Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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