so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
