I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Just high enough for therapy.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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