I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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