I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
