if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
