ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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