i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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