You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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