wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
