So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
