I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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