i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You ruined the universe
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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