I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
