Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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