im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
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