She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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