I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
