I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
