Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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