we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
