just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
