Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
