The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
