I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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