there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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