So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
