Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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