Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
