I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
