Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
