and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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