Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
