grandma shit on top of the toilet
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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