she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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