It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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