My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
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I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
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No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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