Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
