Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
