ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
