I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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