1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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