I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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