Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He better not be in your backpack
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
