from now on my penis is your penis
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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