dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
MIDGETS
????
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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