I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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