I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
