we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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