you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
