i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
