remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
