And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
