I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
you had me at cake vodka
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Randomize
