sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
