I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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