The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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