It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
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