i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
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sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
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I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize