I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
People in love make me want to vomit
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
