Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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