..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
