I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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