I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
